The Process

All of Life is a Process

     
     I have come to the realization, life is a process.  Sometimes the process is the consequence of our bad choices. That is not really what we are talking about today. That is for another blog. I have made mistakes. I am not perfect. I have had to suffer the consequences of my actions. That is for another blog. Even though it is wonderful and freeing. When we own our poor life choices. Instead of blaming others and blaming peer pressure. That is for another blog. I could write explicitly about that. Let me stop right here.

Air Plant, just because

    What about when life hands you lemons? When you are going through times and trials that are not of your own making. When real life is happening. My thoughts are that life usually mirrors seasons. People are free to disagree. For me the season of trial is winter. No this isn't going to be a winter hate blog. No matter how disagreeable and nasty the season is.

Daffodils poking through the cold hard ground
In February

    Keep in mind that everything that is costly and beautiful, goes through a process and sometimes it is painful. Diamonds require high temperatures and pressure.(1) Gold needs a fire (2) to be refined and remove the imperfections. Gold and diamonds have no feeling. If gold and diamonds had feeling, the pressure would be painful.
This is just the creation. It doesn't take into account the cutting and molding from human hands.  

   When a pearl is created. A parasite or some type of irritant, takes up residence in a Oyster shell. (3) It can take six months on wards up to four years. Interesting thought that the pearl that took four years to form would be the most expensive(4) Even the odd pearls that are flawed are still beautiful.

    A caterpillar has to die, to become a butterfly. (5) It spins itself into a cocoon. Then it digests itself, but some cells remain. Having once watched the metamorphosis. From caterpillar to butterfly. It looks awful and painful. 

     This is the verse that has brought me comfort, during the winters of my life. Even if it has taken me a while to come to this point. The reason I am writing this blog. Is because of my current trip through winter, both spiritually and meteorological. (link below)

Progress Report, Part Two

2 Corinthians 12:9

I use the NIV and it isn't up for discussion.

     

Another verse that has brought me comfort. 

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

      Daffodils among other Spring flowers need a hard and cold winter. This is from my own personal experience. Once when we had a very warm winter. We had no daffodils or tulips. I personally loved it, the bulbs? Not so much.

    In February when the Daffodils start sprouting. They often have to endure terrible circumstances. Snow, ice and freezing cold temperatures. Yet they survive. They persevere and bloom in due time. They are all the more beautiful for their suffering.

Before

After

A few of my other blogs
What I have been doing? Progress Report, Part One
What have I been doing? Progress Report, Part Two

Bibliography
1.  https://geology.com/articles/diamonds-from-coal/
2.  https://www.britannica.com/technology/gold-processing
3. https://www.livescience.com/32289-how-do-oysters-make-pearls.html
4. https://www.americanpearl.com/historyoyster.html
5. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/caterpillar-butterfly-metamorphosis-explainer/

What Have I Been Doing? Progress Report, Part Two!

     

Be a Tulip!
These little flowers push through the worst circumstances

 

Don't forget to read Part One! Link Below!

Part One!

January 1st 2019

I started out the new year at 147.4

    Found a book on Intuitive Eating. To help me try and figure out why I binge. I didn't follow any specific diet plan. My plan was making healthier choices. With some ice cream and potato chips thrown in. I simply cannot follow strict diets or milkshake plans. I always fail at them and end up gaining any weight lost back. Then feeling even more miserable. My plan is to get to the root of what causes my abuse of food and get it out of my life. 

     I am not a doctor or a dietitian. I cannot tell you what to eat. My experiences are solely mine. If you have special health needs. Then you must follow the directions of your trained health team.

   Just when you choose a book. Read it with a grain of salt. Even if it is written by a doctor. Especially when it is written by a doctor. No matter the author. Read it with a grain of salt.

February 1st

Plot twist..........

     I get a letter from the radiology department. The routine test that appeared fine, wasn't fine. Something has appeared on the film. Follow up imaging is required. What are these people talking about? They have obviously sent me the wrong letter. My test was fine.

    Calling the doctors office, I was told that test was fine! The nurse tells me. We never said it was fine. We never got the images. We couldn't have told you anything. You need to call radiology and have them fax it to us. (The nurse wasn't rude, she was just very matter of fact. Someone who knew what they were about)

   So then calling radiology and asking them to fax the images to my doctors office. Shortly after that the doctors office calls me. The nurse who was very matter of fact and knew what she was about. Has softened her voice considerably. There is a discrepancy on the film. It is round and must be looked into. 

   Radiology appointment made for one week later.

During the Week

    I am half agony and half hope. Waiting to find out if this round thing that has invaded my body is cancer? Feeling as if my life is in suspended animation. Can't concentrate, but no trouble eating.

  

   So worried and so many fears. My worst fear is losing my hair. One cannot donate their hair to Wigs for Kids, when they have none. If my hair isn't lost. Would Wigs for Kids want hair that had gone through chemotherapy? Probably not. Besides, I like my hair. Is it vain to admit that one likes their hair? Sorry not sorry, I like my hair.

Wigs for Kids! Blog Part One!
Wigs for Kids! Blog Part Two!


    The two things I recommend in times of great trial.
1. Faith in God and Jesus
2. Great friends that you can confide in. Who will remain positive. At this time you don't need anyone with an Eeyore complex.

    Times of great faith and peace. Along with times of fear and anxiety. What is going to happen? Why didn't I make my appointment sooner. I don't want to go to my appointment. A myriad of feelings.

Favorite songs in times of trouble;

Even When it Hurts by Hillsongs

Now this song does have the word Hell in it, but that is exactly how I felt sometimes. It hurt like Hell.

Even if by Mercy Me

Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns

February 8th

    My appointment is for 10:15 AM. I cannot wear deodorant and that is really distressing. Perfume and smelling nice, are part of my fashion accessories

   I have two imaging tests to really see this thing that is invading my body. The lab is running behind. Do I feel nervous? No! suddenly the Peace that passes all understanding washes over me at around 10:20 

And the Peace of God which transcends all understanding. Will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

Phillipians 4:7 

     It felt just like a beam of sunlight hit the top of my head and warmed me on a cold spring day. Or like a warm shower on a cold day. Just a wonderful and calming feeling.

     So I go through the tests and they are read right away. If it is cancer they need to follow up and get you into treatment right away. It is a cyst and I will need follow up imaging.

My new favorite t-shirt!

One Week Later

     Get a letter from the Radiology department. Filled with trepidation. (shouldn't be, should have faith, but it was still there)

A cyst, probably not cancer, need a follow up in six months.

    I did have a set back. Had a moment where my eating got out of control. (Work in Progress! party of one) Instead of beating myself up. Forgiving myself and moving on. This will be fixed in about two weeks. Good news coming very soon!

End of February

    This isn't the good news that was hoping to type. Can I be honest for a minute? Can I be honest for a few paragraphs? While my health is fine. I am going through a season and it isn't a good season. It is painful. I am being sifted like wheat.

    Wheat is thrashed and sifted for a reason. It is to remove the edible wheat from the chaff. The wheat must be refined to be useful. I am sure there are many other steps, but thank you to the farmers that turn wheat into bread.

   That is where I am right now. In the process of being refined and made useful! This painful process will end in a purpose!

My favorite song during this time; I Will Sing by Kari Jobe

I put comforting Bible Verses on my bathroom mirror
and
Expect Miracles!

     Had a setback this week. Had a setback last week. A work in progress. Looking forward to the day that setbacks are few and far between. I was sick all night from my binge. Sick well into the next day. If I drank, I guess this is what a hangover would feel like?

The Dowager and Lady Cora
(In the Pineapples)

Edith

Mary and Edith

My Air Plants and yes I did name them after Downton Abbey characters!

March

      It is my birthday! I am 29 and holding. That is my story and I am sticking to it. 

Coconut Cake! Yummy!

      I got a Fitbit for my birthday. I love it! Now finding reasons to exercise and get my steps in. Going into competition with myself.
     
       I am so thoroughly over winter. So. Thoroughly. Over. It! It is so hateful cold. I am over the season as well as this spiritual season. Between My health scare. A family members health problems and now Mandie is sick. I am just, So. Thoroughly. Over. It!  It is freezing cold and I wonder, where is spring? I am so thoroughly over it, but it isn't thoroughly over me.

Mandie
She is fourteen and I get worried when she gets sick.
I mean is it her "time"
I know she is an old girl, but I don't want her to leave me yet!

     Mandie is feeling much better today. She finally ate some boiled chicken and rice.

     Mandie was doing alright. Then she took a turn for the worse. 
For a while it would seem like she was getting better. Then she would be right back to the beginning. 

   We made the hard decision. She breathed her last at 1pm on March 8th. She is no longer in pain or suffering. Now I am in pain suffering and simply gutted. So heartbroken. She was my best friend and companion for fourteen years.

This was the last picture I took of
Mandie. I didn't know that in twelve
hours I would be feeling her little heart
beat for the last time.

Heartbroken!
I just stare at the empty space where she
slept
And her blanket

     






     Olivia is                                    grieving for Mandie as well.

No wonder Olivia is grieving
Mandie was her buddy

My favorite song during this time.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey

I have finally gotten to 142 lbs. It isn't where I want to be, but it is two pounds better than usual. 

Six Weeks from now....
I want to have lost more weight and not spiraled back into the cycle of losing and gaining. 
I want to lose fat
Gain a bit of muscle.
Finishing the last five days of the workbook on Intuitive Eating.
Starting the new book on Intuitive Eating

What I Have Been Doing? My Progress Report, Part One!

    **This is a two part series. Stay tuned Part Two will be published a few minutes after this one**

    My dear readers. You know all about my struggle.

What Happened? My Previous Blog!

Winter

     These pictures are from February 2018. No new progress pictures since there has been no progress.

Summer and Fall

          Very sad, all summer and into fall. Binge eating has  gotten the best the worst of me. Still no progress.

December 10-14

       I needed a dress for a Christmas party. Bought several dresses online. All them bought were returned for some reason or other. They didn't fit.

       One of the dresses was so thin and such poor quality. It even had a slit up to my waist. This was supposed to be a faux wrap dress. The "wrap" part of the dress had two inches of overlap. The slit would not stay closed. Unless I wanted to stand still the whole party. 

     Realizing that I would need a slip underneath this cheap dress. The faux wrap with no overlap. Made it so that I needed a whole dress. Underneath my dress.

       Went to the mall in search of a party dress looked in so many stores. Couldn't find anything that fit or even really liked. Or anything really in an acceptable price range. At least I didn't have a meltdown in the fitting room. Okay I had a meltdown in the fitting room. Being shaped like a rectangle doesn't help, at all.

      Finally found a beautiful dress at Ross Dress for Less. It was $12.99. Should have gone there first! I already knew what shoes I wanted to wear. So I had to find a dress as fabulous as the shoes.

Found them at Burlington!

December 18

       Went to the doctor for a routine physical and need to go for further testing. Something in my lower abdomen is not quite right.

      Then I also have a routine imaging test that all women must go through. Although, you men should have it done, too!

Last Week of 2018

      This year after hitting 148.8 pounds. This simply will not do. Somethings gotta give. I cannot keep gaining weight. 

     I feel like I am on a merry go round. I pop up to 147.4. Then I start losing and it takes four weeks to get 144. Then along comes my period and boom! I am right back at 147.4. Please stop this roller coaster ride. I want to get off.

Longing for daffodils and tulips
When you are so over winter, but winter is so not over you

Beginning of 2019

     Follow up appointments for the further testing. I can say that I haven't binged. Not since December 18th. This is all very stressful.

    Both tests were quite unpleasant!

Follow Up Tests for Medical Problems

    The news back from the radiology. Both tests were fine. The ultrasound came back as okay. That situation will be monitored. 

    The other test was routine and it was fine as well.

Please read Part Two. Link Below!

Progress Report Part Two

**Please Note**

I am not a doctor, dietitian or health professional. (a real health professional that actually went to school for years and took a bunch of tests) 

My experiences are all mine and unique to me. Your experiences may be different. You may have different needs. Please consult with your health care specialists.